On a recent weekday morning, I awoke jolted by a vivid dream. In my dream, I was meeting with a residential leasing agent, looking for an apartment close to my office. I intended to keep my house, a short commute from work, but I thought that a small apartment minutes from my firm’s place of business would optimize efficiency and allow me to bill more hours.
We toured an apartment at a perfect location, and I was thrilled with the interior space. The office in the unit had a beautiful built-in desk with shelving that I envisioned brimming with court rule books, files, and hearing binders so that I could work from my home away from home. My enthusiasm waned slightly when I inspected the rest of the space and determined that it did not have a living room, bedroom or a kitchen; however, I was still upbeat and convinced it was the perfect spot for me to live, at least during the workweek.
I was both horrified and amused when I woke up. On one level, the dream symbolized that for many, life during the pandemic means working from home. But for me, my vocation often feels like I live where I work, epidemic or not. I constantly carry the psychological weight of practicing law and managing a law firm. That burden often reveals itself during sleep or in the transitional twilight immediately before slumber.
Scientists do not have a clear understanding of why we dream, other than it stems from electrical brain impulses during the REM (rapid eye movement) sleep stage. But sleep researchers believe that we are more likely to remember our dreams in times of stress as tension lessens sleep quality. If you are anxious, the content of your dreams is more likely to be negative or frightening.
I have had my share of unnerving dreams in the past: showing up for an exam that I am unprepared for, walking on a beach with a huge tsunami wave about to break, or being chased while my legs are constrained by quicksand. But more frequently, my dreams seem to illustrate my feelings about my profession, my relationships, or life transitions. Early in my law career I dreamed about climbing a ladder and being overtaken and passed by a co-worker. I understood that I was “climbing the corporate ladder,” but I felt calm and confident with the knowledge that I was ascending at a steady pace.
Daydreaming these days seems to have taken on an odd but comforting life of its own as pleasant thoughts distract me from an isolated present and an uncertain future. I find myself wondering how I would spend a $1,000,000 lottery winning, or what it would feel like to walk away, for the last time, from the practice of law. I envision climbing into a small RV with a dog or two in tow, to meander around the country for a couple of months, decompressing from an exhilarating and absorbing career that at times took its toll. Such reveries always include destinations, activities, and events, a sign to me that my happiness is inevitability tethered to accomplishment of goals.
I wonder what my nighttime dreams will be like at that point, whether they will fill me with anticipation or dread, peace or unrest. Maybe I will still have nocturnal fantasies about the perfect home office, but now it will be chock-full of books, research, creative writings, and essays instead of laborious legal briefs, tiresome to do lists, and relentless incoming emails.